Post by Leah Clearwater on Sept 14, 2012 21:54:47 GMT -5
After caressing Sam’s face, I threw my arms back around his neck and whispered in his ear, asking if he was okay. He slowly pulled my arms out from around him while staring blankly in my eyes. I knew he wasn’t okay. He began to open his mouth to utter words but I quickly placed my hand over his mouth saying, “Shush.. Don’t say it!” I didn’t want to know what he was going to say by the look of emptiness on his face. I took my hand away from his mouth as tears started to swell up in both my eyes so I dropped my head. He placed his fingers under my chin giving an ever so slight lift so we would be looking eye to eye. I didn’t like what I was seeing when I looked at him. He seemed different. It wasn’t because his hair was shorter now or not recognizing his voice when he called out to me, it was just something inside me giving me the awkward feeling that I had lost him.
We both walked side by side along the water’s edge silently with our heads down. I couldn’t look at him knowing my face had ruined from the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. -By this time the dance was in full swing, music blaring, people talking over one another in the distance- I thought to myself, “What changed from the note I had read earlier that day?” I somehow, someway knew Sam didn’t love me anymore. I could feel it deep within my gut, or was it instinct? I didn’t understand and wanted to know why, so I grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled him to a standstill, making my way around in front of him, I asked, “do you not love me anymore?” I had to know. He looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t be with you.” I replied, “What do you mean? Why? What did I do?” Sam stopped me before I could finish asking questions replying, “You wouldn’t understand.” In a loud boorish tone I said, “WE USE TO TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING!” He shook his head and looked out towards the dance that we were missing and said, “You just don’t get it! I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you anything anymore. We are different now, I am different.” I already knew he was different and it wasn’t me that had changed. He slowly let go of my hands, leaned towards me, gently placing his lips on my forehead for what seemed to be the last kiss and then turned to whisper in my ear, “I’m sorry!”, and ran off in the direction he crept up on me from. I stood there in shock. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I fell to my knees on the wet sand, not caring that my dress was wading in the water that kept inching further and further inland as my tears were falling receding back out into ocean. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened. At this point, I didn’t care if the ocean swallowed me up and took me out to sea. I felt angry, sad, confused, betrayed and yet I still loved this man. I had cried so much that I became weak, unable to sit on my knees any longer so I let my body go onto the sand and water. I was so distraught, I didn’t realize the dance was over and it had become pitch black.
The next morning, I opened my eyes to see that I was lying in my own bed with my pajamas on. “How did I get here? Does my dad know? Did he come to get me or did I have a nightmare?” I thought to myself. Slowly, I got up and went into my bathroom to freshen up for the day. I smelt the most delicious aroma creeping through the cracks of my bedroom door. I made my way to the kitchen to see what the smell was. My mom, Sue Clearwater was in the kitchen putting her apron on. She looked at me with the sweetest smile and asked, “Would you like some breakfast, my sweet daughter?” I nodded and sat down at the kitchen table. I noticed the food was on the counter but it hadn’t been cooked yet. I thought to myself, “How did I smell that most delicious aroma in my room if it hadn’t been cooked yet?” I shrugged it off asking mom where dad was. She replied, “Don’t you remember, Leah? Your cousin, Emily is coming for a visit.” I had completely forgotten all about Emily visiting worrying about Sam.
Later that afternoon dad comes in the door announcing Emily’s arrival. I rushed out to the car to greet her and help her get her luggage. It had been years since I had seen Emily. She was taller, thinner, and her hair was black as night, streaming down her back. She was even more beautiful then I remembered. I grabbed her luggage and led her into the house to the guest room where she would be staying. It was good to get my mind off of Sam for a while with Emily coming to visit. I could show her around the reservation, introduce her to my friends, and just relax around her.
The next day, Emily and I went to the beach to get some girl time in and relax. It was a bit cool to go swimming so we just decided to sit and catch up on lost time. She told me about the guy she had dated but recently broke up due to cheating on her. I almost dreaded telling her about Sam. It would bring back all the horrible feelings I felt. It was bad enough to sit on the very beach he left me on after telling me he couldn’t see me anymore. I shrugged it off telling myself, ”I can do this without crying.” I began to tell Emily about Sam; the good times as well as the bad, here recently. She seemed to understand and tried to console me but I didn’t want to ruin her time here in La Push. So, I decided for us to go shopping to get our minds clear. We ended up having a great day and finishing the night off with movies and popcorn.
A few days later, I decided to take Emily to Jacob Black’s house to introduce her. He was practically my best friend, my only friend since girls didn’t take kindly to me. We walked into Jacob’s home and there sat Sam talking with Billy Black, Jacob’s dad. My heart sunk into my stomach. I turned around and ran out of the door as fast as I could with tears swelling up as all the anguish came rushing back to me while leaving Emily inside. I hid in Billy’s garage waiting on Sam to leave. I couldn’t face him, not after what he said to me. A few minutes later, Jacob came out to see what was wrong, so I told him. He stayed with me for what seemed like hours. “Emily!” I yelled. I had forgotten all about Emily being in the house alone. Jacob looked at me and said, “she’s okay, Bella. She made herself at home after I introduced her to dad. She’s your family which means she is our family now too.” I was relieved. I didn’t want her to think I just left her there alone. It didn’t seem like Sam was going to leave anytime soon so I asked Jacob if he would go get Emily so we could go back home. Emily came out with Jacob to meet me at the garage and I explained to her why I had to get out of that house. She looked at me with sadness and grief and asked me if I was ready to go, so we went back to my house for the evening.
On the way home we didn’t talk much. Did I say something to make Emily upset? Was anything said in the house while I was gone? I didn’t want to come out and ask her what was wrong, so I drove silently until we got to the house. We went inside and Emily went off to her room for the night. I sat at the kitchen table where dad was sitting while reading the morning paper. He looked up at me and asked, “Is everything okay, Leah?” I nodded and said, “I guess so. Oh and by the way, who brought me home the night of the dance?” Dad just looked at me with confusion on his face and said, “You don’t remember?” He chuckled,” Was you drinking that night?” I quickly replied, “No, dad! I have better sense than that.” He laughed it off and said, “I know, dear. Jacob was the one who brought you home. He said you were so worn out from dancing that you had fallen asleep at the booth so he brought you home. Wasn’t that nice of him?” I nodded my head and quickly turned away so dad couldn’t see the guilt look on my face. I stood up from the table and walked over to him, leaned over and gently kissed his head saying “I’m going on to bed. Have a good night, daddy. I love you! ”He nodded his head, replying “I Love you too, Leah!” Walking to my bedroom I heard whispering and giggling as I passed Emily’s bedroom door. I wondered who she could be talking to but I just shrugged my shoulders and went on to my bedroom to go to sleep. The next day wasn’t any better for me. Emily seemed distant as if I had something wrong with me. I didn’t want to say anything to get her upset fearing she would want to leave if I confronted her. I just stayed to myself around the house until that night. I had to get out of the house and get some air so I called Jacob to see if he wanted to go to the beach and walk around to talk. I picked him up and we were on our way. We walked and talked for a while until I heard giggling. I knew that voice. I had heard the same laughter the night before. I looked at Jacob and asked, “Could that be Emily?” I thought I had left her at home, or was she there? I hadn’t seen her all day, so I wasn’t sure if she was still at home or not. Jacob and I walked closer to the sounds and came upon two people rolling around in the sand. I leaned towards the voices and asked, “Emily, is that you?” All of a sudden it got quiet. It was too dark to see who they were, so the two people slowly stood up and one replies, “Yes! It’s Emily.” Another voice appeared and said, “And Sam.” I stood in shock. I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Emily and Sam?, I thought to myself. No, it couldn’t be. Not Sam Uley! I couldn’t speak. Jacob grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards where we had parked at. I still said nothing. Jacob was trying to ease my mind by talking about what had happened at school that day. It didn’t work, I wasn’t listening to him. I felt as if I was on the edge of having a break down. This time no tears would fall. Was it because I had cried so much and I didn’t have any tears left or was I just so mad that there was nothing left of me inside? I sat quietly on the way home as Jacob drove me to my house. He walked me in and took me to my bedroom, once again and helped me into bed. Looking up at him, all I could utter out was, “Thank you!” He looked at me and smiled and said “Everything will be okay tomorrow, Leah. Get you some rest.” I turned over and drifted off to sleep as soon as I shut my eyes.
The next morning I woke to hear Emily banging on my door. “We got to talk!,” she said. Jumping out of bed, I yelled, “I have nothing to say to you. Leave me alone.” I now understood why she seemed distant towards me after I ran out of Billy Black’s house the day Sam was there. I tried to find things to do in my bedroom but the more I sat in there the angrier I became. I had to do something, go somewhere; just get away. I got ready and opened my bedroom door where Emily was standing with her arms crossed leaning up against the wall waiting on me to come out. She kept apologizing to me over and over. I didn’t want to hear it. She kept saying, “I’m sorry, Leah. It wasn’t my fault. Sam, well….um, he couldn’t help it. I can’t explain why, just trust me. Sam will have to tell you.” I ignored every word that came out of her mouth and acted as if she wasn’t in the same room with me. The anger just kept building and building. I was no longer hurt by Sam or Emily, I was enraged. I didn’t want any apologies, excuses, or secrets. I wanted the truth so I set out to find it.
We both walked side by side along the water’s edge silently with our heads down. I couldn’t look at him knowing my face had ruined from the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. -By this time the dance was in full swing, music blaring, people talking over one another in the distance- I thought to myself, “What changed from the note I had read earlier that day?” I somehow, someway knew Sam didn’t love me anymore. I could feel it deep within my gut, or was it instinct? I didn’t understand and wanted to know why, so I grabbed Sam’s hand and pulled him to a standstill, making my way around in front of him, I asked, “do you not love me anymore?” I had to know. He looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t be with you.” I replied, “What do you mean? Why? What did I do?” Sam stopped me before I could finish asking questions replying, “You wouldn’t understand.” In a loud boorish tone I said, “WE USE TO TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING!” He shook his head and looked out towards the dance that we were missing and said, “You just don’t get it! I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you anything anymore. We are different now, I am different.” I already knew he was different and it wasn’t me that had changed. He slowly let go of my hands, leaned towards me, gently placing his lips on my forehead for what seemed to be the last kiss and then turned to whisper in my ear, “I’m sorry!”, and ran off in the direction he crept up on me from. I stood there in shock. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I fell to my knees on the wet sand, not caring that my dress was wading in the water that kept inching further and further inland as my tears were falling receding back out into ocean. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened. At this point, I didn’t care if the ocean swallowed me up and took me out to sea. I felt angry, sad, confused, betrayed and yet I still loved this man. I had cried so much that I became weak, unable to sit on my knees any longer so I let my body go onto the sand and water. I was so distraught, I didn’t realize the dance was over and it had become pitch black.
The next morning, I opened my eyes to see that I was lying in my own bed with my pajamas on. “How did I get here? Does my dad know? Did he come to get me or did I have a nightmare?” I thought to myself. Slowly, I got up and went into my bathroom to freshen up for the day. I smelt the most delicious aroma creeping through the cracks of my bedroom door. I made my way to the kitchen to see what the smell was. My mom, Sue Clearwater was in the kitchen putting her apron on. She looked at me with the sweetest smile and asked, “Would you like some breakfast, my sweet daughter?” I nodded and sat down at the kitchen table. I noticed the food was on the counter but it hadn’t been cooked yet. I thought to myself, “How did I smell that most delicious aroma in my room if it hadn’t been cooked yet?” I shrugged it off asking mom where dad was. She replied, “Don’t you remember, Leah? Your cousin, Emily is coming for a visit.” I had completely forgotten all about Emily visiting worrying about Sam.
Later that afternoon dad comes in the door announcing Emily’s arrival. I rushed out to the car to greet her and help her get her luggage. It had been years since I had seen Emily. She was taller, thinner, and her hair was black as night, streaming down her back. She was even more beautiful then I remembered. I grabbed her luggage and led her into the house to the guest room where she would be staying. It was good to get my mind off of Sam for a while with Emily coming to visit. I could show her around the reservation, introduce her to my friends, and just relax around her.
The next day, Emily and I went to the beach to get some girl time in and relax. It was a bit cool to go swimming so we just decided to sit and catch up on lost time. She told me about the guy she had dated but recently broke up due to cheating on her. I almost dreaded telling her about Sam. It would bring back all the horrible feelings I felt. It was bad enough to sit on the very beach he left me on after telling me he couldn’t see me anymore. I shrugged it off telling myself, ”I can do this without crying.” I began to tell Emily about Sam; the good times as well as the bad, here recently. She seemed to understand and tried to console me but I didn’t want to ruin her time here in La Push. So, I decided for us to go shopping to get our minds clear. We ended up having a great day and finishing the night off with movies and popcorn.
A few days later, I decided to take Emily to Jacob Black’s house to introduce her. He was practically my best friend, my only friend since girls didn’t take kindly to me. We walked into Jacob’s home and there sat Sam talking with Billy Black, Jacob’s dad. My heart sunk into my stomach. I turned around and ran out of the door as fast as I could with tears swelling up as all the anguish came rushing back to me while leaving Emily inside. I hid in Billy’s garage waiting on Sam to leave. I couldn’t face him, not after what he said to me. A few minutes later, Jacob came out to see what was wrong, so I told him. He stayed with me for what seemed like hours. “Emily!” I yelled. I had forgotten all about Emily being in the house alone. Jacob looked at me and said, “she’s okay, Bella. She made herself at home after I introduced her to dad. She’s your family which means she is our family now too.” I was relieved. I didn’t want her to think I just left her there alone. It didn’t seem like Sam was going to leave anytime soon so I asked Jacob if he would go get Emily so we could go back home. Emily came out with Jacob to meet me at the garage and I explained to her why I had to get out of that house. She looked at me with sadness and grief and asked me if I was ready to go, so we went back to my house for the evening.
On the way home we didn’t talk much. Did I say something to make Emily upset? Was anything said in the house while I was gone? I didn’t want to come out and ask her what was wrong, so I drove silently until we got to the house. We went inside and Emily went off to her room for the night. I sat at the kitchen table where dad was sitting while reading the morning paper. He looked up at me and asked, “Is everything okay, Leah?” I nodded and said, “I guess so. Oh and by the way, who brought me home the night of the dance?” Dad just looked at me with confusion on his face and said, “You don’t remember?” He chuckled,” Was you drinking that night?” I quickly replied, “No, dad! I have better sense than that.” He laughed it off and said, “I know, dear. Jacob was the one who brought you home. He said you were so worn out from dancing that you had fallen asleep at the booth so he brought you home. Wasn’t that nice of him?” I nodded my head and quickly turned away so dad couldn’t see the guilt look on my face. I stood up from the table and walked over to him, leaned over and gently kissed his head saying “I’m going on to bed. Have a good night, daddy. I love you! ”He nodded his head, replying “I Love you too, Leah!” Walking to my bedroom I heard whispering and giggling as I passed Emily’s bedroom door. I wondered who she could be talking to but I just shrugged my shoulders and went on to my bedroom to go to sleep. The next day wasn’t any better for me. Emily seemed distant as if I had something wrong with me. I didn’t want to say anything to get her upset fearing she would want to leave if I confronted her. I just stayed to myself around the house until that night. I had to get out of the house and get some air so I called Jacob to see if he wanted to go to the beach and walk around to talk. I picked him up and we were on our way. We walked and talked for a while until I heard giggling. I knew that voice. I had heard the same laughter the night before. I looked at Jacob and asked, “Could that be Emily?” I thought I had left her at home, or was she there? I hadn’t seen her all day, so I wasn’t sure if she was still at home or not. Jacob and I walked closer to the sounds and came upon two people rolling around in the sand. I leaned towards the voices and asked, “Emily, is that you?” All of a sudden it got quiet. It was too dark to see who they were, so the two people slowly stood up and one replies, “Yes! It’s Emily.” Another voice appeared and said, “And Sam.” I stood in shock. I couldn’t believe what I just heard. Emily and Sam?, I thought to myself. No, it couldn’t be. Not Sam Uley! I couldn’t speak. Jacob grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards where we had parked at. I still said nothing. Jacob was trying to ease my mind by talking about what had happened at school that day. It didn’t work, I wasn’t listening to him. I felt as if I was on the edge of having a break down. This time no tears would fall. Was it because I had cried so much and I didn’t have any tears left or was I just so mad that there was nothing left of me inside? I sat quietly on the way home as Jacob drove me to my house. He walked me in and took me to my bedroom, once again and helped me into bed. Looking up at him, all I could utter out was, “Thank you!” He looked at me and smiled and said “Everything will be okay tomorrow, Leah. Get you some rest.” I turned over and drifted off to sleep as soon as I shut my eyes.
The next morning I woke to hear Emily banging on my door. “We got to talk!,” she said. Jumping out of bed, I yelled, “I have nothing to say to you. Leave me alone.” I now understood why she seemed distant towards me after I ran out of Billy Black’s house the day Sam was there. I tried to find things to do in my bedroom but the more I sat in there the angrier I became. I had to do something, go somewhere; just get away. I got ready and opened my bedroom door where Emily was standing with her arms crossed leaning up against the wall waiting on me to come out. She kept apologizing to me over and over. I didn’t want to hear it. She kept saying, “I’m sorry, Leah. It wasn’t my fault. Sam, well….um, he couldn’t help it. I can’t explain why, just trust me. Sam will have to tell you.” I ignored every word that came out of her mouth and acted as if she wasn’t in the same room with me. The anger just kept building and building. I was no longer hurt by Sam or Emily, I was enraged. I didn’t want any apologies, excuses, or secrets. I wanted the truth so I set out to find it.