Bring On The Dancing Horses

[Carlisle Cullen]

*Coming in from a shift at the ER. There was a industrial accident that took most of my shift to clear up. No fatalities one 19 year old boy will have to have his leg amputated because it was too mangled to save. Those things really shake my core beliefs, how something so horrific can happen to someone so young. Mentally shaking myself Cullen you have to let it go out into the universe to be converted to something useful. I don't really discuss my thoughts as such with the children, just Esme.

I worry about her. She's my rock, the families rock. This melancholia that has set in with her, seemed to have taken hold. I know the weather can affect her from time to time. But seeing the longing looks at Ryder, and her anguish. She had a touch of it with Renesmee but this has a different feel. I fear for her sanity. If she has a break, I don't know if she will recover fully. I haven't broached the subject with her knowing she will play it off. She would come to me before it got really bad wouldn't she? Not knowing has me uncertain with everything.

Something she said once long ago came back to me recently about when she was young riding a painted pony carousel and it was a happy moment in time. I searched online for a vintage carousel horse to see if might provoke her to be happier. I got the message it would be delivered today. Esme loves everything she is given but to really find the one thing that she would covet is my hardest task. Seeing the huge crate on the porch I walk into the house looking for Esme to see if she wants to "tear into her present." Calling out to her*


Esme dearling there's a huge crate here with your name on it. Come see what it could be. Have you been shopping off the television again? I can't wait to see what it is.

Attachments:

[Esme Cullen]

*she knew that Carlisle was worried about her, but she could not shake this feeling she had, this emptiness, that would be with her for the rest of her life. She had longed her whole human life to have a baby, and she had married and gotten pregnant, only to lose the one thing she wanted above anything else, a baby. She was sitting in the den, staring out the window into the dense forest that surrounded their home in Forks. She was lost in thoughts of her past life, the pain and heartache, that had been brought back to the front of her mind with the birth of Emmett and Rosalies baby, when she heard Carlisle's voice. Rising from the seat, she shook her head, put a smile on her face, and went out to greet her husband*

Carlisle, I'm here, and no, I haven't ordered anything off the TV and certainly not something that would require a crate.

*walking over to him, she kissed his lips softly and followed him to the front porch, seeing the huge crate standing there, wondering how she could have missed the delivery of it. Looking it over, she looked at Carlisle*

Would you mind taking the top off for me my heart?

[Carlisle Cullen]

*Smiling at Esme using my nails to pry up the top it making a cracking noise as the wood broke, I pulled down the front slats making the packing peanuts spill out. Turning back to her giving her a cheeky wink,*

I think that should be more manageable for you Dearling.

*Stepping back out of the way for her to finish opening the box.*

[Esme Cullen]

*Watching how easily he opened the crate, she stepped up to it, and started pulling out the peanuts that were wrapped around whatever was in the crate. Feeling something cold and hard against her hand, she looked at Carlisle, then tugged it gently, working it from the crate. Once it was clear, she pulled the cloth off that was covering it. Looking at what stood before her, she was shocked that he had remember the story she had told him. Seeing the beautiful carousel hoarse, sitting there, her mind rushed back to that day, reliving the memories. Turning to Carlisle, she kissed him deeply and spoke softly*

You remembered? but.... that was so long ago.... that I told that story.... Thank you.

*she was happy about the beautiful horse, but wondered why he had bought it for her now*

What in the world made you want to buy this for me Carlisle?

*looking up at him, as her hand ran over the carousel horse*

[Carlisle Cullen]

*Watching her face, seeing her relive her memories from long ago the wistful look on her face, the smile is a genuine smile, not the one that has been living on her face for weeks.*


I bought you the carousel to see if it would pull you out of whatever has you so down. You are my universe, the MOST important person to me. When your sad I am sad, and will do anything and I mean ANYTHING to make you smile. Tell me what will make you happier and I will manifest it.

*Pulling her against him kissing her hair that always reminds him of maple sugar.*

[Esme Cullen]

*looking away and back to the horse, her smile fading at his words. She hated that she was down, and she wished to whatever diety was up there, that he could give her what she truly wanted, what she felt would complete them, but he couldn't give it to her anymore than she could give it to him. Turning to him, wishing that she could cry, but not being able to, she was lost. Speaking softly to him, as she looked out into the forest*

My heart, you cannot give me the one thing that would make me the happiest person in the world, nor can I give it to you. I wish that you could, that we could, but it will never happen for us, we will never be able to procreate. I, like Rose, will never feel life growing inside me again, give birth to your child.....

*looking down, she couldn't put him through this, let him feel the sadness that had taken over her life, so she turned and walked into the house and into their bedroom, sitting on the side of the bed, staring off into space, trying to get a grip on these feelings*

[Carlisle Cullen]

*Standing there staring into space processing what she just told me. I knew that was something in the back of her mind. I didn't know it was eating away at her leaving her to feel less than a whole person. I love her not needing something that was a combination of her and me. I had made peace that my family will be made not created long ago. Going into the house, looking for her in the living area, but knowing she would be in our room, it's her refuge. Stopping outside the door taking a huge breath to mentally prepare himself knocking lightly on the door opening it walking in. Walking to stand in front of her squatting down to look up onto the face that is my reason to be.*

Esme, I know this was something that has always been in the back of your mind, and with Renesmee it came out and started eating away at you. Now with Ryder it's taken hold of you and will not let go. I know I cannot give you a child to grow inside of you, but if you want a child I can find one for you to love and raise as yours.

*Running a hand through my hair laying it down on her thigh*

I can find someone who's terminal but could reproduce and give you a part of me. I couldn't do that to someone who is healthy and will lead an active life. I meant it when I said I would do anything to make you happy.

*Laying my head on her lap to hide the anguish and the ball of twisted emotions in my chest that would surely show on my face, whispering but it's slightly muffled,*

I love you more than anything else in the world. I did not come to life until I met you. You are my reason for everything. Just tell me how I can make you happy and I will do it. Your happiness is my happiness.

[Esme Cullen]

*hearing the knock, seeing Carlisle walk in and squat in front of her, she looked down into his golden eyes. She listened as he told her what he could do, and seeing the anguish she had caused, shining in his eyes. When he laid his head on her lap, she ran her fingers through the soft,silky blond locks. She loved him more than anything, and for their whole marriage, children had never been an issue, till now. He told her he could get her a child, but what kind of child. Looking down at him, her fingers still going through his hair*

I love you Carlisle, you are my reason for living, my heart and soul, but how.... how would you get a child?

*looking away, she thought about what he said, did she dare think he would do it, for her?, could she let him?*